The early days of being exposed to the whole plethora of what Cycling can offer can be a very daunting & confusing space. Yes, riding a bike is a reasonably simple concept, however, if you want to ride safe, efficient, participate in events and such like then there is so much information to take in and so many subjects to consider. The granularity of detail to learn is initially extensive and it is not until you actually bite the bullet and start to make those first purchases, get out on the road, you suddenly get an insight into what the big world of Cycling is about. Topics such as training, clothing, bikes, components, nutrition are just a mine field of data with so much literature to reference.
Looking back on those times if my early venture into Cycling was to be best described by the name of a film then I’d pick ‘The Good, the Bad & the Ugly’. This is what ‘ugly’ looked like when we first started out in Cycling some 5 years ago.
I am working from the definition of ‘ugly’ as unpleasant especially in appearance, just to set the benchmark. That being the case and jumping straight into the deep end I’d state that the thought of an untrained middle-aged man contemplating Cycling which necessitates the need to squeeze himself into tight sport performance clothing could and does boggle the mind. It’s a progressive evolution, we watch the Grand Tours like the Tour de France, we see the stars in tight fitting and sculptured clothing and we begin to start evaluating in our own minds whether that would look good on ourselves… Opinions from none Cyclists will be uninformed, MAMIL’s acknowledge that there is a science in there somewhere… From a practical aspect we quite quickly get to the point of understanding that this body hugging attire is a necessity and not respecting that fact will have significant negative consequences.
The whole cycling ensemble has a purpose, it is chosen to harmonise when worn for efficiency & practicality. Embrace that fact and you’ll somehow justify in your own head the purchasing of it. Aerodynamic efficiency will be thrown out of the window if you have decided to ride in loose fitting garments that are effectively acting like a parachute, it means you have to pedal harder irrespective of the pace you are going, one of the legendary principals of marginal gains. Practicality means if there is a seam or a tag not flush to the body, sitting in a comfortable place then the repetitive movement will ensure that piece of flesh will be tortured, gnawed & worn away. To lessen these instances, we also need to discreetly apply generous amounts of Chamois cream to the delicate and sensitive areas. It’s very similar to basting your precious turkey at Christmas but instead your crown jewels are coated with this antiseptic cream that feels strangely satisfying knowing that you are helping keep friction at bay. There is a science to all this after all…
Cycling kit is as numerous and as varied as our football kits from around the world. If you follow Pro teams then a bold purchase of a team kit is an option. I’m a West Ham fan and have had many classic claret & blue kits as a kid, in the Cycling world I unashamedly follow Team Sky. Starting out I went nowhere near buying a Sky top because in my mind the correlation to that kit and the performance of the team was so far away from where I was I’d leave myself open for ridicule. I’ve just shamed my mate Sean by making that statement, but to be fair to him whilst not a Sky talent he was showing the way forward in fitness back then and he was hardcore cycling bonkers for a good few years. We generally hover around high-end brands we are drawn too like Assos, Rapha, Castelli and such like, becoming faithful to them diligently over time.
My mates kit summary…
Loggo… is the kit quirky one out of us, some of his combinations look like Stevie Wonder had a role in the decision making, some awful colours and one pair of bib shorts disturbingly see-through as Barny & I would vouch having ridden behind him on the Lands’ End to Broadstairs ride.
Conor… more of a traditional retro throw back.
Barny… anything of quality that he could fashion a purchase deal on eBay was his ticket. Sean… I’ve already mentioned but there was this builders jacket he used to wear that to this day still gets a mention.
Me… I threw my hat on the expensive Assos attire, can’t go wrong.
Loggo, Me, Conor, Sean with Barny taking the picture…
The last time this was shared was Dec 2016 but in reality was taken around 2013/14… I’m the burnt one after an extended holiday. I might also burn some mates brownie points with this picture but the present day is a better sight, honest…
Also, ordinarily I’d be nowhere near a pair of white shoes outside of trainers. I still remember in the ‘good old days’ when coloured football boots first came out, there was an unwritten code of engagement amongst us to try and demolish the player wearing them or at the very least give him a decent clump. Now all of a sudden I’m entertaining the thought of white Cycling shoes. I actually went with light grey first up as a compromise whilst I tested the waters. Add the crash helmet, gloves, socks, sun glasses, caps, jerseys short & long sleeve, rain jackets, long / short bib shorts, the list of requirements are endless. Oh, and one small technicality on my part, I am colour blind with red / green transition as well so my creative mind and combinations would not ordinarily be endorsed by Amanda. All of this stuff has to be functional, practical, light and fit for purpose… and did I mention that it all comes at a cost..? Leads onto what I call squirrel purchases… collected discreetly and stored stealthily.
Being disabled with the arm meant I was still ok on 95% of all the products out there. I will add that there is an untapped market for custom clothing for those people that need to tweak clothing items specifically and will be a business opportunity for me at some point, but for now I’m lucky my only clothing exception are gloves…
My left hand is x-large the right is small as a result of two fingers missing… I was the only kid in the class able to genuinely count fractions on his hands. So, what do I do when buying gloves.? If I buy an x-large pair of gloves then one of them is going to look like a Kenny Everett brotherly love hand on the right hand. Those old enough will get that imagine…those not, give You Tube a go, the bloke was bonkers. Anyway, fundamentally I’d have to buy two pairs, one x-large the other small and either get lucky on eBay that some other poor bugger has the opposite problem to mine or throw them into the charity shop.
There is an ‘Option C’ that Barny and I devised when we first got going. Haven’t repeated since but always an option… I went into a shop and bought two pairs of gloves, one x-large & one small. I took the packaging off carefully, took out the gloves I needed then put back the leftover ones into x-large packaging. Barny, my rugged mountain biker, carpenter, kite surfing dude friend then went back to another shop in the chain and calmly said he had brought this pair of x-large gloves from another store (the range was uniquely being sold by them) and when he opened them there was two different size gloves in the packaging. Very credible, his mitts are x-large and the shop assistant with a completely puzzled looked said ‘how does that happen..?’ at the same time offering a replacement set of x-large gloves that Barny could use. Barny was going to purchase gloves anyway so net we bought 2x pairs between us instead of the 3x. It was funny stuff, not to be repeated…. Well, not right now anyway.
So, there you have it, an insight into what our ‘Ugly’ looked like at the very beginning. It isn’t rocket science “who in their right mind thinks a new MAMIL squeezing himself into sleek, svelte clothing is a good look…?” It wasn’t for me and I am tall and generally able to pull things off. My mates are not all tall, add in the faux pas with the fashion and we begin to see on reflection that this was not a pretty time. Acceptance that trying to squeeze yourself into Cycling bib shorts is an art form, ultimately you’ll end up with your tummy (affectionally known as your ‘skip’) hanging out somewhere. You have this nappy pad of a cushion to protect your tackle that have been appropriately smeared in cream. It is not aesthetically pleasing, has to be said. There is no way to fluff this up… It certainly doesn’t do it for my other half Amanda. Why would it, she has been brought up on a vision diet of “beefy” Welsh Rugby players.
… but, we are bold and resilient as a breed. We accept that this is the initial stage of our journey to svelte like, toned, sculptured bodies that will allow endless hours in the saddle riding through glorious mountain terrains. It is a necessary evil but we persevere… for now it is ‘ugly’ but we have a cunning plan to rectify and remediate…
To my mates… I’ll make this all up to you in later blogs where I map out the transition to where we are today, capable to take on the likes of the Marmotte & L’Etape. Waist lines have gone but still funny to look back..!
Signing off… Wayne
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